Rise of the Machines (Season Finale)

What a day. Riley and Render finally have their hands on the Aghast! Menagerie. Not to be outdone ... Taiwan 1000! is in labor. It might be more shenanigans than one 1996 GMC Safari can handle.

Cue the breaking and entering.

Featuring the Vocal Talents of:
Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate
Paul Kerford Wilson as Render
Neil Batra as Taiwan 1000!
Dave F'n Powell as Professor Bunion
Miranda Phair as "I Played Rugby in High School"
Karen Cater as Genysis
Sandy Cater as a Baby [Smak] [Smak]
Reid Cater and Sarah Cater as Spectators

Written by Trey Tatum
Directed by Bridget Leak
Recorded by Grayson Halonen
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, OH.
for more information, visit queencityflash.com

Cover Art by Jordan Trovillion

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Connect with us on twitter and instagram: @queencityflash
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From the Creators of Have Monster, Will Travel:

ZOiNKS! - Meet Nolan Blackwell, Teen Sleuth - Girl Detective, and her dog Casper. Nolan has a love of all things Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown. Casper has a penchant for mischief.

But not all mysteries are hardbound and soon Nolan Blackwell will have to uncover clues and stare down dangers that threaten to reveal more about her past than she may be ready to confront.

Fans of Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo will delight in this hilarious, opioid-fueled dive into the world of latch-key children and the haunted, dangerous places that meddling leads.

CW - ZOiNKS! contains mature language and themes of addiction and neglect.

Transcript

Have Monster, Will Travel
Episode 14: Rise of the Machines

(The 1996 GMC Safari, driving fast.)

(Let’s get this first one out of the way …)

(They’re all screaming.)

ALL
AAAAHHH!!!

RENDER
RIley!

RILEY
What?

RENDER
Riley!

RILEY
What!

RENDER
What do we do?

RILEY
I don’t know.

RENDER
Riley!

RILEY
I don’t know!

(TAIWAN 1000 moans, in labor.)

(RILEY and RENDER scream.)

(It’s been a lot of this.)

RENDER
Do we go to a hospital?

RILEY
And say what? “Excuse me, my computer is pregnant.”

RENDER
We have to do something! Where do you take a broken computer?

RILEY
I mean, back when I had Windows XP I would go use the Geek Squad, but I wouldn’t take my worst enemy to a Best Buy now.

RENDER
Well we can’t just drive around in circles.

RILEY
And where exactly do you suggest I go?

(Labor Pains.)

(Screaming.)

TAIWAN
Guys! You have to calm down.

RILEY
Right. Sorry. We’re calm.

RENDER
Totally calm. Don’t you worry, Taiwan 1000, we’ve got everything under control.

(Labor Pains.)

(Here we go again.)

I’m not ready to be a Dad!

RILEY
What?

RENDER
Uncle. Sorry. It’s a lot to take in right now.

TAIWAN
Stop. Just Stop. You have to … Just … take a deep breath.

(RILEY and RENDER take a deep breath.)

Now hold it.

And now let out a long sigh.

(Sigh.)

Deep breath in -

And hold it -

And let it out.

Deep breath.

Hold.

Let it out.

And again.

And now Riley, push!

RILEY
What?!

TAIWAN
You’re foot on the gas!

(Labor Pains.)

(Just absolute chaos. The Safari revs.)

RILEY
I’m not ready to be a Mom!

RENDER
Riley!

RILEY
Aunt. Sorry. Wow, this is really bringing up a lot of feelings.

(RILEY and RENDER simultaneously drop into synchronized Lamaze breathing.)

RENDER
We need a plan.

RILEY
But to have a plan, we need to know what we’re trying to accomplish.

RENDER
Right! Well, we kinda know what Taiwan 1000 was trying to accomplish.

RILEY
The destruction of the human race?

RENDER
No, not that - or, yes, obviously that -  I’m talking about when we first found him. The stolen electronics, the nest in the woods.

RILEY
The Pilfering.

RENDER
The Pilfering. What if this is what he was preparing for.

RILEY
To give birth? How does that make any sense?

RENDER
Just assume that it does.

RILEY
Right. Ok.

(Labor Pains.)

(RENDER starts to wind up again.)

No. Stay focused.

RENDER
Thanks.

(RENDER drops back into his breathing exercise.)

RILEY
So, if the pilfering was all about preparing to give birth, then we need to figure out some way to recreate it.

Maybe that also explains why Taiwan 1000 was trying to run away a couple of weeks ago.

RENDER
To that thrift store, when you and Bunion were on your date.

RILEY
It was not a date.

RENDER
It might not have been a good date, but it was definitely a first date.

RILEY
Are you enjoying yourself?

RENDER
What’s a traditional one month anniversary gift?

(Labor Pains.)

Right. Back on task. We need to find another thrift store. Or a repair shop or junk store, something like that.

RILEY
And what? Just carry Taiwan 1000 into a store full of people mid-labor pains?

RENDER
This late in the day? They’ll already be closed. We’re fine.

RILEY
Ok, well now it sounds like you’re suggesting we … never mind, I know what you’re suggesting.

RENDER
Riley, we have to do something.

RILEY
I know, I just wish I had a minute to think this thru.

RENDER
How far away is that little town we passed thru?

RILEY
Maybe ten minutes.

RENDER
Alright. You’ve got ten minutes to think of something.

(Labor Pains)

RILEY
Oh, thanks.

No, you’re right. We need to recreate the Pilfering. We get to town, find a suitable place, feel it out from there.

RENDER
We’ll think of something. We always think of something.

RILEY
Right. It’s the start of a plan at least.

RENDER
Ten minutes. We got this. I’m feeling good about this.

TAIWAN
We need to hurry!

(Labor Pains.)

(Well, it was nice while it lasted. They’re all screaming again.)

(Theme song.)

(A Little Repair Shop on the outskirts of town.)

RILEY
Are you pushing?

RENDER
I’m pushing.

(They push.)

RILEY
Are you pushing harder?
RENDER
I’m pushing the regular amount. It’s not budging.

RILEY
I only need it to move like another eight feet.

(It does feel like a lot of pushing.)

RENDER
I can just hoist you up.

RILEY
Absolutely not. You are staying hidden behind that dumpster and PUSHING.

(One final effort.)

Alright stop.

Maybe we start with another window.

RENDER
Just let me pick you up. We are running out of time.

RILEY
That doesn’t mean you can be reckless. Let me see if I can find something else to stand on.

RENDER
We’re on the edge of town  - we haven’t seen a single car.

RILEY
No, get back to the Safari - I’ll look for another way in.

RENDER
Ugh! You are so stubborn sometimes.

(RENDER approaches RILEY.)

RILEY
Hey. Get down. Render. Render! No stop.

(RENDER grabs RILEY around the waist and lifts.)

Whoa!

RENDER
Grab the window ledge.

RILEY
You have to go higher.

RENDER
What? Ok, hold on.

How’s this?

RILEY
Little higher.

RENDER
Can you reach it?

RILEY
I just need a little more.

RENDER
I am on my tippy toes.

RILEY
I’m gonna stand on your shoulders. Let me get a knee up.

RENDER
Alright. Ow. Ow!

RILEY
Can you put your hand under my foot and lift?

RENDER
Ok go.

(RILEY steps up onto RENDER’S shoulders.)

Oh. I think you stepped in something.

RILEY
Really?

RENDER
Oof. That is not good. Can you reach the window?
RILEY
Yeah. It’s definitely unlocked. But that is gonna be a tight squeeze. Hold on.

(RENDER can hear a car approaching from the distance.)

RENDER
Car!

RILEY
What?

RENDER
I’ll be right back.

RILEY
Wait, let me get down first. Render! Wah!

(RENDER runs off, leaving RILEY hanging from the open window. A car passes.)

RENDER
You ok?

RILEY
Little help.

RENDER
Sorry hold on.

(RENDER scurries back to RILEY.)

Think you can kick that shoe off first?

RILEY
I am losing my grip.

RENDER
Fine.

(RENDER stands under RILEY. A window slides open. Grunting and struggling.)

RILEY
It’s too small. Ren, this isn’t gonna work.


RENDER
Coming down.

(RILEY groans, drops. RENDER catches her.)

What are we gonna do?

RILEY
I don’t know.

RENDER
This is the only place in town that could possibly -

RILEY
Listen, we’re not giving up. You go back to the Safari, check on Taiwan 1000, I’ll take a second lap around the building and see if there’s another way in.

RENDER
Yeah. Ok.

(They split.)

RILEY
[to herself:] It’ll be a miracle if we don’t get arrested.

Ok - just need a bigger window. And maybe a rock.

Yeah … definitely getting arrested.

RENDER
[off:] Riley! Riley!

(RILEY runs back to the Safari.)

RILEY
Render. What is it? Is everything ok?

RENDER
He’s not responding.

Taiwan 1000. Taiwan 1000!

(RENDER shakes the desktop tower and taps on the monitor screen.)

RILEY
Wiggle the mouse - that usually wakes him up.

(RENDER clicks the mouse, taps the keyboard. Nothing.)

RENDER
No no no no no.

Do I try the power button?

RILEY
I don’t know. Maybe?

RENDER
Taiwan 1000 …

RILEY
Come on, Tai …

(Behind them, a door pops open and slowly swings outward.)

Render … Did you see that? Someone just opened the back entrance to the shop.

RENDER
Well that’s eerie. What do we do?

RILEY
I think we go in. Pick him up, let’s hurry.

(RENDER picks up TAIWAN 1000 and the two of them head into the Repair Shop.)

RENDER
You’re not going to wipe your feet.

RILEY
Ok …

(RENDER enters the shop. RILEY wipes her feet on the mat.)

(Inside the repair shop.)

RENDER
Look at this place.

RILEY
It’s like a little time capsule. VHS players. Tube television sets. Boom boxes.

RENDER
People used to have these things?

RILEY
You don’t have to say it like that.

Come over here, I’ll clear off some space for -

(RILEY pushes items to the side on a workbench. RENDER sets down TAIWAN 1000.)

RENDER
Taiwan 1000, can you hear me?

(From the far end of the shop, in a weak voice:)

TAIWAN
… Render?

RENDER
Taiwan?

RILEY
It’s coming from the front of the shop.

(RENDER and RILEY make their way across the shop. They pull back a curtain to find:)

RENDER
Oh. Um … Taiwan 1000, is that you?

TAIWAN
Hi Render.

RENDER
Taiwan 1000! You’re so … little and …

RILEY
Furry.

(little “cheeps” bubble up from a litter of tiny creatures.)

Are these your …

TAIWAN
Riley, meet the kids.

RILEY!
Oh! They’re so pink! And …

RENDER
not furry.

Well, I didn’t think this day could get any more surprising.

TAIWAN
I can explain. I just need … I just wanna close my eyes.

RILEY
Of course. You just rest. We’ll just be in the next room. Take your time.

TAIWAN
Riley. Render. Thank you.

RENDER
Of course! And … uh …

BOTH
Congratulations!

(RILEY closes the curtain.)

RENDER
Do you think it’s safe for us to stay here?

RILEY
Your guess is as good as mine…

(RILEY examines the back door.)

I don’t know how Taiwan 1000 did it, but … the door doesn’t look like it was forced open. And here. This place definitely has an alarm but, it’s not armed.

RENDER
So maybe we’re ok.


RILEY
We should probably still take some precautions. I’ll get the flashlights from the Safari, maybe move it down the block. And we should stay away from windows and leave the lights off.

RENDER
I’ll hang here and keep an eye on Taiwan 1000.

RILEY
Alright - be right back.

RENDER
Grab Bunion’s bag too.

RILEY
Got it.

RENDER
(calling off:) And maybe change your shoes.

(Later.)

(RILEY is fidgeting with some old electronics. Across the room, RENDER slowly turns a page in the Aghast! Menagerie, when suddenly:)

(Mega Man 2 on NES starts playing.)

RILEY
Sweet!

RENDER
What are you doing?

RILEY
I’m not telling because I’m not sharing.

“In the year 200X…”

RENDER
Can you at least turn it down?

RILEY
If you only understood how unreasonable that request is.


RENDER
Taiwan 1000 is resting

RILEY
You’re right.

(RILEY cuts it down, plays. RENDER, frustrated, slams the book shut. This gets no response. Grumble … RENDER takes a deep breath and sighs.)

[distracted:] What’s up, Scuttlebutt?

RENDER
It’s this.

RILEY
Yeah?

RENDER
Uh. Yeah. I’ve been going thru the Aghast! Menagerie for hours now.

RILEY
Un-huh.

RENDER
Riley, no screens while we’re talking.

RILEY
Ok, this is not a screen - it’s …

(RENDER growls in irritation. RILEY gets the hint.)

Yeah. Ok.

(RILEY turns off the TV set.)

You’ve gone thru the Aghast! Menagerie.

RENDER
I’m not in there.

RILEY
… Yeah.


RENDER
I’ve looked cover to cover: no entry on Rubilees, no drawing of an unidentified monster that looks like me.

RILEY
Well, we were kind of expecting that.

RENDER
I know, I just … I was hoping Bunion was lying to get to me.

RILEY
Ren -

RENDER
This was supposed to be how we figured out who I am.

RILEY
I know.

RENDER
This was supposed to be our roadmap to connecting me with -

RILEY
It still might be.

RENDER
It’s like I don’t exist anywhere.

RILEY
That’s not true.

(RILEY moves closer.)

You exist. In this moment, right here, with me, you exist. Fine. You’re not in some … poorly written book, by some dumb human. That doesn’t mean anything.

We know who you are. Other monsters know who you are and see how important your kind is.

Look at how far we’ve come with almost nothing to go on. And now - with this book - as imperfect as it is - just imagine what we’ll accomplish next.

Render. We will be unstoppable.

(They hug. A moment. Somewhere near, a  cell phone buzzes.)
RENDER
Is that you?

RILEY
No. My cellphone’s over here.

RENDER
It’s coming from Bunion’s bag.

(RENDER rummages inside, pulling out BUNION’S phone.)

Should we answer it?

(RENDER answers.)

Hello?

BUNION
Big Guy!

RENDER
Who is this?

BUNION
It’s me! Eric!

RENDER
Eric? I don’t know any … [to RILEY:] Do you know an Eric?

RILEY
I don’t think so.

BUNION
Eric McDermott!

RENDER
McDermott? Is that like with two Ds and a Big T?

BUNION
Come on, you know who this is.

RENDER
Listen, I’m trying to help, I just don’t know any … you said Erin, right?

BUNION
… It’s Professor Bunion.

RENDER
Oh! Professor Bunion! [to RILEY:] It’s Professor Bunion.

RILEY
Oh!

BUNION
Where are you?

RENDER
You know, I’m not really sure.

BUNION
Put Riley on.

RENDER
It’s for you.

RILEY
Hi Professor Bunion - how was your trip?

BUNION
It was terrible. I am covered in bites.

RENDER
Ask if they look like little spirographs.

RILEY
Wait, what happened to the Quack!Squatch?

BUNION
The what?

RILEY
The monster on the gondola.

BUNION
It was eating the turnstile in front of the gondola station the last time I saw it.

RENDER
What about the firebrand?

RILEY
Hey listen -

BUNION
No, you listen.

RILEY
Eric, this is important. When you got off the gondola, was there another, scarier monster, waiting for you on the other side.

BUNION
I don’t know!

RILEY
What do you mean you don’t know?

BUNION
I was a little busy running for my life!

Where are you?

RILEY
Oh, I’m not telling you that!

BUNION
Riley, you tell me where you are right now -

RILEY
Hey, can you hold on - I’m getting another call.

BUNION
Are you serious?

RILEY
Yeah, just one second.

BUNION
Riley, no!

(RILEY hangs up.)

RENDER
So, no Firebrand?
RILEY
I don’t know that I would trust him to know the answer to that.

(The phone rings again.)

Pasquale’s Pizza Palace and Arcade, now with Unlimited Ski-Ball on Thursday nights, can I take your order.

(on the other end of the line:)

MIRANDA
Can I have my phone back, please?

BUNION
Hold on, sorry, we were disconnected.

MIRANDA
Hey dude, I want my phone back.

BUNION
I promise, just one more second, just hold on -

Riley, you tell me where you are this instant.

RILEY
Table for four? Should be about a twenty minute wait. Can I get a last name?

BUNION
I want my book, my phone, you cannot do this to me!

RILEY
No, sorry, the ball pit is for kids 12 and under. Oh can you hold, I’m getting another call.

BUNION
Riley!

(RILEY hangs up.)

RENDER
You must have been an absolute terror as a teenager.

RILEY
You have no idea.

(The phone buzzes.)

RILEY (cont.)
Sorry, do you mind if I take this?

Meyer’s Dental Center and Arcade, now with  unlimited Ski-Ball on Thursdays, how can I direct your call?

MIRANDA
I am done being patient, hand me back my phone!

BUNION
You don’t understand, just one more call!

MIRANDA
Quit walking away from me.

BUNION
This is the last one, I promise. Riley!

MIRANDA
Do not make me chase you!

BUNION
Ahh!

(BUNION takes off running.)

Riley! You have to at least call my Mom.

MIRANDA
Get back here! I will snap you in half!

RENDER
Oh no …

RILEY
Don’t worry, he ran track in high school, he’ll be fine.

BUNION
Tell her she needs to come and pick me up.

MIRANDA
Don’t make this harder than it has to be!
RENDER
He doesn’t have any shoes.

RILEY
Oh yeah …

BUNION
Wow! You are fast!

MIRANDA
Last chance, dude!

BUNION
And don’t tell Mom about the house key! WAH!

(MIRANDA tackles BUNION to the ground. BUNION groans in pain.)

Hey. Good job.

MIRANDA
I ran track in college.

RENDER
I can’t believe he thought that would work.

RILEY
Oh … you never know. Sometimes it does.

RILEY / RENDER
Gotta try it.

BUNION
I think I landed on my car key …

(RILEY hangs up.)

(TAIWAN 1000 enters, exhausted.)

TAIWAN
Hey …

RILEY
Taiwan 1000.

RENDER
Hi.

RILEY
How are you feeling?

TAIWAN
Tired. How long was I out?

RILEY
Not long. Couple of hours.

TAIWAN
Render, can you find me some water?

RENDER
Yeah!

(RENDER gets up and rummages around in the back.)

RILEY
How are the kiddos?

TAIWAN
Good. Asleep for now.

(TAIWAN 1000 looks around the little shop.)

This place is perfect.

RILEY
Is it? We weren’t sure.

TAIWAN
It’s exactly what I needed.

(RENDER sets down a little bowl of water. TAIWAN drinks.)

I guess you have questions.

RENDER
Oh … maybe one or two.


TAIWAN
Riley, can you set me on top of that TV set?

RILEY
Yeah.

(RILEY picks up TAIWAN and set him on the TV. It clicks on, Mega Man 2 still playing in the background.)

Whoa.

RENDER
Did you turn that on?

RILEY
You’re powering it.

TAIWAN
I can do it with pretty much anything electronic.

RILEY
And you were living inside that Windows XP?

TAIWAN
I can fit inside of most things … you’d be surprised.

RILEY
But why?

TAIWAN
I’m a [Smak-Smak].

RENDER
A what?

TAIWAN
A [Smak-Smak].

(RILEY and RENDER both try to say [Smak-Smak].)

You know, the sound a human makes when they’re thinking about food.

RILEY
[Smak-Smak]. Oh, I hear it now.
TAIWAN
If you’re a [Smak-Smak], you’re always looking for something safe to hide inside. You see … we’re the most delicious creature in the known world.

RENDER
That sounds cool.

TAIWAN
It also makes us the most hunted creature in the known world.

RENDER
I take that back.

TAIWAN
Think of us as like hermit crabs for the anthropocene: We need protection from the outside world, so we carry around our houses everywhere we go, only instead of making them from the natural world, we make them from things that humans discard.

RENDER
You’ve lived your whole life inside that computer?

TAIWAN
It’s hard to bite thru a metal shell. And no … I leave every once in a while. Sometimes while you two were sleeping, I would sneak out and go foraging.

Of course, it was pretty helpful to have a friend who kept shoving graham crackers inside me.

RENDER
That’s where those went! I knew I hadn’t eaten all those - you said I was sleep-eating them.

TAIWAN
You believed me.

RENDER
This is amazing. Riley, don’t you think this is … Riley. Riley? Hey!

RILEY
Hey.

RENDER
D’you space out for a second?

TAIWAN
She was thinking about eating me.
RENDER
Riley!

RILEY
I was not!

RENDER
Were you?

TAIWAN
She was.

RILEY
Well …

RENDER
Riley!

TAIWAN
She can’t help it. She’s a human.

RILEY
I wasn’t thinking about eating you. You said, “I’m the most delicious creature in the known world,” and I was just trying to figure out what that would taste like.

RENDER
I can’t believe you.

RILEY
I wasn’t going to do anything.

RENDER
You humans really are food obsessed.

RILEY
Oh, come on! If I said to you, “I’m the world’s greatest kisser,” you’d be curious.

TAIWAN
Sure.

RENDER
Well … are you the world’s greatest kisser?


RILEY
Render. Yes.

(This sinks in.)

So, now that you’re here, what are you going to do.

TAIWAN
Actually - if you two don’t mind - I could use your help one more time …

RENDER
Oh … Taiwan 1000.

RILEY
We thought you’d never ask.

(The woods at night.)

TAIWAN
Ok! Kid - walk, do not run.

There’s enough for everyone, do not push!

If the one you want is taken, don’t get upset, just choose something else!

[to RENDER:] Kids.

RENDER
Oh, quit. They’re angels, perfect angels!

RILEY
And you’re sure this will be deep enough into the woods?

TAIWAN
We’ll be safe here.

(All over the woods, kids toys and small electronics beep and whir.)

Kids! Can we use our “inside our machine” voices?

(The beeps soften.)

In time, they’ll learn how to control their machines better. But if we had tried to stay in that repair shop, there’s no way that they could have kept quiet.
RILEY
You don’t have to explain yourself to me - you should have seen Dana and I, when we were little, trying to eat at a restaurant.

RENDER / TAIWAN
Food obsessed.

RILEY
Ok, that is not the point I was making.

RENDER
Do you think we stole too much? We kinda cleaned out that store.

TAIWAN
Please, the way humans discard stuff, it’ll be full again in a week.

RENDER
I mean, maybe we should have left a nice note.

RILEY
Yeah … that would have fixed it.

(The sharp whine of a feedback loop.)

TAIWAN
Hey! Get off your brother, you’re making him feedback.

It’s always the little DJ speakers you gotta watch out for. Troublemakers.

RENDER
I don’t think so.

Taiwan 1000, you are such a good parent.

TAIWAN
Thanks Render. You’re a great uncle.

And Riley: you know … compliment.

RENDER
Oh! You don’t fool us!

TAIWAN
Fine, fine! Big compliment. You’re a good aunt too.
RILEY
Thanks Taiwan 1000.

TAIWAN
Alright! Five minutes until bedtime. I’m serious. I want to see cords wrapped, antennas pulled in, and buttons in the up position!

RENDER
I can’t believe this is goodbye.

TAIWAN
It’s not goodbye. We’re just changing things up for a bit. I’ve got kids to raise, you’ve finally got your hands on the Menagerie. We both have big adventures to get onto. Doesn’t mean we won’t see each other again.

Render, Riley, I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.

Render, pick me up.

(RENDER picks up TAIWAN 1000.)

Until next time.

(They hug.)

Too tight. Too tight.

RENDER
Sorry.

TAIWAN
Riley … put out your hand?

RILEY
Sure.

(TAIWAN 1000 scurries over into RILEY’S hand.)

TAIWAN
I thought all humans were the same - that they were all terrible. But that’s not true. Most humans are terrible, and then there’s you.

RILEY
Winning you over one human at a time … I’ll take that.
TAIWAN
I’m very glad I met you.

RILEY
I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

TAIWAN
Take care of yourself?

RILEY
You too.

TAIWAN
Riley … do you mind if …

(Slowly, TAIWAN 1000 leans in and kisses RILEY on the lips. Just a peck at first.)

RILEY
Oh.

TAIWAN
Oh!

(And then, a second longer kiss, breaking away slowly.)

Your lips are so … soft!

RILEY
You taste amazing!

RENDER
This is not how friends say Goodbye!

TAIWAN
Ok, I should probably start bedtime.

RILEY
Don’t let us get in the way.

TAIWAN
Render, do you know where I am?

RENDER
Oh - I put it right over there.
TAIWAN
I see it. Thanks.

(TAIWAN 1000 scurries over and climbs into his machine.)

(A Windows 7 computer boots up.)

RENDER
How is it?

TAIWAN
It’s roomier. And a lot faster.

RILEY
Yeah. Windows 7 was a good one.

TAIWAN
Kids! Say goodbye to Riley and Render.

(A chorus of electronic squeaks.)

RENDER
Oh. Wow.

TAIWAN
Yeah. You better sneak off, bedtime could take a while.

(The Safari.)

RILEY
You ok?

RENDER
I don’t think I’m sad. But I think I’m pretty sad.

RILEY
Yeah. Me too.

RENDER
What do we do now?

RILEY
Anything we want. We’ve got the Aghast! Menagerie. Flip to a random page, set a course. We’re just getting started.
RENDER
I like that.

RILEY
But first, maybe a little place to pull off and get some sleep?

RENDER
I like that even better.

RILEY
Seat belt?

(They click in.)

RENDER
Check.

Car keys?

(RILEY cranks the Safari.)

RILEY
Check.

The Aghast! Menagerie

(RENDER thumbs thru some pages.)

RENDER
Check.

Adventure of a lifetime?

BOTH
Check.

RILEY
Alright Crypto-Curious, more adventures await. But you already knew that. We’ll check in with you next time on Have Monster, Will Travel.

RENDER
And like they say where I’m from: Isn’t it obvious, Clementine? That thing is being controlled by the brain in this jar!

(RILEY mock screams as the Safari pulls away. Silence. And then, a moment later:)

RENDER (cont.)
What is that on your keychain?

RILEY
Oh. Just … a little something.

RENDER
A little something what?

RILEY
A little something I picked out for myself … from that repair store.

RENDER
You stole that?!

RILEY
What?

RENDER
You stole that!

RILEY
We stole a whole bunch from that store.

RENDER
So Taiwan 1000 could take care of his family. That’s different.

RILEY
It’s just a little thing.

RENDER
I can’t believe you. What even is that?

RILEY
It’s a Tamagotchi.

RENDER
What’s a [mush mouth]?

RILEY
A Tamagotchi is … here, let me take it off the ring.

RILEY (cont.)
I had one when I was in middle school. It’s like a virtual pet. See? And you get to feed it and play with it. It poops.

RENDER
Why would you want it to poop?

RILEY
I don’t know.

RENDER
Is that all it does?

(No. No, it isn’t.)

GENISYS
Hello!

(RILEY and RENDER scream.)

RENDER
Is that supposed to happen?

RILEY
That is not supposed to happen.

GENISYS
Hi.

RENDER
Hi. I’m Render.

GENISYS
Nice to meet you, Render

RENDER
Nice to meet you too.

RILEY
Aww - Did one of the [Smak-Smak]s end up in my Tamagotchi?

RENDER
Man, what a sentence.

GENISYS
Are you my best friend?

RENDER
Oh - uh, I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, we just met.

GENISYS
I think you’re my best friend.

RENDER
Yeah. I think so too.

RILEY
Alright, we need to go back.

RENDER
Wait, Riley …

RILEY
Render, don’t you dare.

GENISYS
Where are we going?

RILEY
You are going back home to your family.

RENDER
Riley … I don’t know, could be fun.

RILEY
Taiwan 1000 would be devastated!

RENDER
I guess. Still … you have to admit, traveling as a trio is pretty nice.

RILEY
… It was nice being a little trio.

GENISYS
I’m gonna destroy the human race

RENDER
And you will, you’re totally gonna destroy the human race.
RILEY
He’s right. You can do anything you set your mind to.

RENDER
Riley … Are you sure we have to bring them back? Genesis, right?

GENISYS
But I spell it with a Y.

RILEY
We are turning around!

(end of season.)

CREDITS

MIRANDA
Hi, this is Miranda Phair. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of -

DAVE
Are you reading the credits off your phone?

MIRANDA
Don’t touch my phone!

Featuring Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Neil Batra as Taiwan 1000, Dave Powell as the nauseating Professor Bunion, Karen Cater as Genisys, Sandy Cater as a baby [Smak-Smak], Reid Cater and Sarah Cater as Spectators and Me, Miranda Phair as “I Played Rugby in High School”. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. 

Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio. More information, including transcripts can be found at QueenCityFlash.com