The Unmentionables (Remastered)

In a small patch of untamed wilderness, Riley and Render continue the search for clues that can help point Render towards home. But when all-too-familiar creatures turn up and old foes resurface, the duo will have to think fast to stay ahead.

Featuring the Vocal Talents of:
Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate
Paul Kerford Wilson as Render
Dave F'n Powell as Professor Bunion
Trey Tatum as Mostly-nonverbal Bikini Bottoms
with Special Guest Shelby Becker as Beckett
and Special Monster-of-the-Week Guest Zach Robinson as Bikini Monster!

Written by Trey Tatum
Directed by Bridget Leak
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, OH.
for more information, visit queencityflash.com

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REMASTER NOTES

The first four episodes of Have Monster, Will Travel was performed before a live audience as a part of Serials! at Know Theatre of Cincinnati. As originally staged, the second half of this episode was performed in a back-and-forth split-scene style between Render and Bikini Monster in the cave, and Riley and Beckett out in the woods. This served the staged version better than the audio drama. In this remaster, those split scenes have been recombined into a smoother story.  

This remaster also includes an expanded sound design and tighter pacing. 

Cover Art by Jordan Trovillion

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Rate and Review: https://bio.site/havemonsterwilltravel

Connect with us on twitter and instagram: @queencityflash
Contact info: queencityflash@gmail.com

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From the Creators of Have Monster, Will Travel:

ZOiNKS! - Meet Nolan Blackwell, Teen Sleuth - Girl Detective, and her dog Casper. Nolan has a love of all things Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown. Casper has a penchant for mischief.

But not all mysteries are hardbound and soon Nolan Blackwell will have to uncover clues and stare down dangers that threaten to reveal more about her past than she may be ready to confront.

Fans of Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo will delight in this hilarious, opioid-fueled dive into the world of latch-key children and the haunted, dangerous places that meddling leads.

CW - ZOiNKS! contains mature language and themes of addiction and neglect.

Transcript

RILEY: 0:01

What's up, Crypto Curious? Riley here.

RENDER: 0:03

And Render.

RILEY: 0:04

And we are just outside of the Ooh, ooh, we said no names. I know we said no names. I wasn't gonna say the name. Okay,

RENDER: 0:11

I just wanted to make sure because it sounded like I was

RILEY: 0:13

the one who said that we say no names. Well, I don't

RENDER: 0:15

think it really matters whose idea it was. Rule

RILEY: 0:17

number one, never describe what a Render looks like. Right. Rule number two, never disclose where we are. Correct. Rule number three, No liquids before bedtime.

RENDER: 0:28

It's a joke. I'm

RILEY: 0:32

teasing you.

RENDER: 0:33

It's

RILEY: 0:35

my fault. I shouldn't have bought a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.

RENDER: 0:39

Tempted me. Like a lusty, fizzy siren that stains your tongue.

RILEY: 0:44

Okay, I'm sorry. I know it'll cheer you up. Wanna do the theme song?

RENDER: 0:52

No. I. Do. Not. Yes, I do. DUN DUN DUN! Oh, this is great.

RILEY: 1:40

Yeah.

RENDER: 1:41

Yeah. When did we get to set up the tent?

RILEY: 1:44

When we are more than six feet away from the van,

RENDER: 1:47

obviously. Pro tip. Gotta be in the woods to camp.

RILEY: 1:50

Well, come on. What are you doing?

RENDER: 1:57

Sometimes when I get, like, super excited, I just gotta dance for a second. Camping in the woods. Best day ever! Hiking in the woods. Best day ever! Staying up late making marshmallows. Marshmallows. Mallows. Marshmallows. Marshmallows. Making s'mores. Best day ever!

RILEY: 2:15

Okay, champ. But we also have an actual job to do.

RENDER: 2:19

Yep. 100%. Should I catch people up?

RILEY: 2:21

Can you do it while we're hiking?

RENDER: 2:22

There we were. Arms locked in deadly battle. Our hero Riley against the criminally insane Professor Bunyan. Between these two titans was the fate of our mission. The aghast menagerie. Jostling back and forth as thunderclaps of punches reverberated against the darkening sky. Unfortunately, time drew in on us and we barely escaped. Thanks in large part to my quick wits and expert driving abilities. We didn't get the menagerie, but we did end up with an envelope full of strange artifacts, mysterious writings, and clues in need of unraveling.

RILEY: 3:03

That is exactly how I remember it. Oh, also, the aghast menagerie, that compendium, an atlas to all things monstrous, turns out kinda more of a scrapbook. Like an I just bought stickers of binoculars kind of scrapbook. And the envelope? It's all the little collected pieces he hadn't found time to glue in yet. Like a shoebox full of receipts.

RENDER: 3:28

So, as best we can tell, while we don't have the menagerie, we do have three complete entries.

RILEY: 3:34

It's not perfect, but it's a start. We don't need to know where every monster is. Just the next monster. One that knows who Render is, or can point us in the right direction.

RENDER: 3:45

One monster at a time.

RILEY: 3:46

One monster at a time.

RENDER: 3:48

Which brings us to our first location,

RILEY: 3:50

Unspecified Somewhere! Okay, I'm glad we practiced that. That was good.

RENDER: 3:56

That's right, Cryptocurious. We are in the heart of the tangled, ensnaring wilderness that is Unspecified Somewhere. On the hunt for Unspecified Somewhere. I was teeing it up for you. I

RILEY: 4:10

know, that was a dramatic pause.

RENDER: 4:13

Yessssssssssssss.

RILEY: 4:17

The Unmentionables. Imagine with me a small patch of far flung woods that has been a hotbed of monster sightings for over 50 years. But not only that, these sightings comprise what has to be the widest variety of monsters in any region. The unmentionables. No two sightings alike. Big monsters, Little monsters, creeping monsters, squirming monsters, glowing monsters, stretchy monsters, monsters in the shape What are you doing?

RENDER: 4:53

Making campfire noises.

RILEY: 4:55

You sound like a chipmunk.

RENDER: 4:57

In my defense, I've never actually heard either of those.

RILEY: 5:02

So that's the score. Two Adventurers, the most supernaturally active place in America, our best lead to discovering who Render is.

RENDER: 5:13

So what do we do now?

RILEY: 5:14

We go where the monsters are. According to Brandon Fenimore's terribly drawn map, about a mile this way, there should be a lake.

RENDER: 5:23

Are you serious?

RILEY: 5:24

Monster's gotta drink.

RENDER: 5:25

Monster's gotta swim. Best day ever! Hey, wait for me!

RILEY: 5:55

Is the water cold?

RENDER: 5:56

Yeah, it's freezing.

RILEY: 5:58

That's not a good thing.

RENDER: 5:59

I don't know, I kinda like it. Are you coming?

RILEY: 6:02

Yeah, will you hold on?

RENDER: 6:03

I can't see you.

RILEY: 6:05

Oh, can you not? I'm changing.

RENDER: 6:06

It's just a microphone. It can't see you.

RILEY: 6:09

Yeah, I'm hiding from the microphone.

RENDER: 6:11

What?

RILEY: 6:12

Nothing. Ta

RENDER: 6:14

da! Cannonball!

RILEY: 6:16

No!

RENDER: 6:17

Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! How deep is it? It's fine.

RILEY: 6:21

How yucky is the bottom? It's fine. Did you bring towels?

RENDER: 6:24

It's fine. Cannonball!

RILEY: 6:27

Okay, fine. CANNONBALL! Snot otter! That water is freezing!

RENDER: 6:37

Isn't this amazing?

RILEY: 6:39

Yeah, I just, I gotta get my blood flowing.

RENDER: 6:42

Okay, so you decide. Underwater race, breath holding contest, splashing contest, or Marco Polo.

RILEY: 6:48

Oh, something just swam past me.

RENDER: 6:51

Oh.

RILEY: 6:52

You feel that?

RENDER: 6:53

Huh?

RILEY: 6:54

Like fish swimming around. Uh

RENDER: 6:56

uh. Seriously? Mm mm.

RILEY: 6:58

I feel like there are all these thingy things swimming around me. Ow!

RENDER: 7:02

What?

RILEY: 7:03

Something just nibbled on me. What? Render, what is in this water?

RENDER: 7:06

I, I, I don't feel anything.

RILEY: 7:08

Ugh, it's like crawling with, ow! Nope, I gotta get out of here. Ugh! I feel like there's something in my butt. Bathing suit. Oh god, there's something in my bathing suit.

RENDER: 7:19

You okay?

RILEY: 7:20

No.

RENDER: 7:21

What

RILEY: 7:21

is

RENDER: 7:22

it?

RILEY: 7:22

Turn around. But

RENDER: 7:23

then I can't see you.

RILEY: 7:24

Uh, yeah. Turn around. No, don't spin. Actually, turn. Face the other way. I

RENDER: 7:34

want to see.

RILEY: 7:34

I'm getting naked.

RENDER: 7:36

Oh. Is that all? That's weird. I'm naked all the

RILEY: 7:40

time.

RENDER: 7:41

Not. The. Same. I mean, like, you see me naked all day, every day.

RILEY: 7:45

Okay, this is not about me being modest, pal. That was awful.

RENDER: 7:54

You okay?

RILEY: 7:54

I'm, like, covered in

RENDER: 7:57

bites. Ew. I'm not gonna ask to see. But I think it is very unfair to say you're covered in bites and then be all secretive about it.

RILEY: 8:06

Can you just grab my bathing suit, please? I want to see what's in there.

RENDER: 8:09

Uh, yeah. Hold on. It's floating over. Ah!

RILEY: 8:13

What is it? Kind of hard to explain. Hi! Ah! What is happening over there? Um, does your bikini usually talk? Oh, hello! Ah! Ah! Is that

BIKINI MONSTER: 8:24

my

RILEY: 8:25

bathing suit? You're

BIKINI MONSTER: 8:26

quite

RILEY: 8:26

naked,

BIKINI MONSTER: 8:27

aren't you?

RILEY: 8:28

Turn around! Um, yeah.

RENDER: 8:33

She means face this way. Hi. Hi. So, what's your deal?

BIKINI MONSTER: 8:39

Oh, I don't know. I'm very confused right now. And a little scared. What's your deal? Uh, I'm a monster. That sounds nice.

RENDER: 8:52

It is.

BIKINI MONSTER: 8:52

I think your friend is trying to eat me. Oh.

RENDER: 8:56

I don't know them.

RILEY: 8:58

What is happening over there?

RENDER: 9:01

Your bikini is alive now, so that's a new thing. What are you doing?

RILEY: 9:05

I'm trying to find where you put the towel. I wouldn't. Oh, are

BECKETT: 9:10

we screaming again? If it gets wet, it comes alive. Oh, really? I wouldn't put on any clothes until you're completely dry. Perfect.

BIKINI MONSTER: 9:22

We're supposed to face the other way.

BECKETT: 9:26

Oh.

RENDER: 9:29

Hi, I'm Render. That's Riley. Oh, I'm Riley. Not you. Oh, never mind. And this is Bikini Monster and Largely Nonverbal Bikini Bottoms. Monster? Like you? Yeah. We're the same?

BECKETT: 9:52

Uh, not really. Yes.

RENDER: 9:54

Who are you?

BECKETT: 9:56

My name's Beckett.

RENDER: 9:57

That's a cool name.

BECKETT: 9:59

Yeah. My mom's favorite movie is Bend It Like Beckham, and my dad is bad at titles. So, what were you before you got wet? Like a carnival sized stuffed animal or something?

RENDER: 10:12

No, just a monster.

BECKETT: 10:15

No, I mean, just a monster? You were alive before you got wet? Mm hmm. Can I touch you?

RENDER: 10:26

Sure.

RILEY: 10:27

Render, get away from her.

RENDER: 10:28

It's okay, look.

RILEY: 10:30

We don't know

RENDER: 10:31

her. Can't you tell? It's okay. You're

BECKETT: 10:36

real. You're actually real. Am I real? No.

RILEY: 10:42

Oh, okay. Hey, ow! You've never seen a monster before. Because the unmentionables, they're just things. There are no clues to find here.

RENDER: 10:57

A dead end?

RILEY: 11:00

Can we turn around now? Yes. Hi! Oh, that's where your eyes

BECKETT: 11:06

are? Mm

RILEY: 11:06

hmm.

BECKETT: 11:08

It's an algae, we think. Comes on every spring, all along the shores of the lake. The items are never alive. It's the algae, a kind of swarm intelligence. We tell most people it's private property to scare them away from the lake. The fewer people that know about this, the better.

RENDER: 11:25

We won't tell anyone.

BECKETT: 11:27

When I saw your car pull up, I tried to beat you here. I can't believe you saw our van. We pulled pretty far off the shoulder. Not a van. Little green car.

RENDER: 11:37

Green car?

BECKETT: 11:38

Like a lime green Kia Soul? More like chartreuse, but yeah.

RENDER: 11:43

Professor Bunyan!

RILEY: 11:45

How did he find us? We gotta get you out of here. That means the Aghast Menagerie is here! We gotta get you out of here! The Menagerie! You can't be here! The Menagerie! We are having a very exciting time! How many people do you want to be seen by today? Uh, he could hide. There's a cave just up there. Can you take me to his car? Yeah. Okay. Cave first.

RENDER: 12:11

I should come with you. No. I can help.

RILEY: 12:13

You hide. We menagerie. Okay. I will also help. Everyone out of the lake! How much farther? Not far. God, these woods are just

BECKETT: 13:04

overrun with trash. It's all from the lake. People dump stuff in, it finds its way back out. And then what? It just dies here in

RILEY: 13:12

the woods? It dries out. So that's why none of the sightings are identical. Just random crap walking through the woods. And no hard evidence. Just a place where locals dump their trash. And it's your

BECKETT: 13:28

job to keep the people away? My family's been doing it for generations. I hate this place. Seems pretty harmless. It's not. There's almost no one that lives close to us. And I was never allowed to bring anyone home from school. Too dangerous, Daddy would say. So, when I was nine or ten, my only friend was this antique dress form from my grandmother's attic. We spent every day together over this one summer. Daytimes, we would hike through the woods, swim in the lake, picnics, anything you could think of. At night, I would go back home and hide her in the lake, get her nice and soggy. In late summer, the water level drops and all that algae dries up and dies. I kept that dress form in my room all that fall and winter, waiting for spring, waiting for that algae to come back. And when it did, I took that dress form down to the lake. What came out, it wasn't her. Didn't sound like her. Didn't have any of my memories of that last summer. Didn't know who I was. I just kept drying her out and dunking her again, and it was never the same thing that came out. I ruined that dress for him trying to bring her back. She was my best friend, my only friend, and the more I tried to recreate her, the less ever I remembered. What was her name? Beckham. It was like having a sister and finally getting the name right. Thank you for asking. Woo!

BIKINI MONSTER: 15:09

It's in my nose!

RENDER: 15:10

Yeah, it does that.

BIKINI MONSTER: 15:12

I love that. What is it?

RENDER: 15:15

Mountain Dew Code Red. And what's that? That's my flashlight.

BIKINI MONSTER: 15:22

What's it do?

RENDER: 15:23

It flashes light.

BIKINI MONSTER: 15:25

I love that.

RENDER: 15:28

Don't eat that, please. And what's that? That's my bottle opener. It opens bottles. I

BIKINI MONSTER: 15:34

love that. And all of this is yours?

RENDER: 15:39

Yeah.

BIKINI MONSTER: 15:40

I love that. You're like the coolest monster ever, aren't you?

RENDER: 15:47

Yes, I am. I

BIKINI MONSTER: 15:50

love that. We're the same, you and

RENDER: 15:55

me. Yeah, we are.

BIKINI MONSTER: 15:58

I love that. Bottle opener!

BECKETT: 16:07

Do your parents know how unhappy you are here? No. I don't know that it would change anything. Why don't you leave? I wouldn't know where to go. Who to call. It just wouldn't work.

RILEY: 16:25

There. See it? Yep. That's his car. I don't see him. Help me find a rock. We're gonna smash his window.

BUNION: 16:35

Aha! I've got you now!

RILEY: 16:38

Wait, you don't have a net or a weapon?

BUNION: 16:41

What? No, I don't have a

RILEY: 16:42

weapon! Okay.

BUNION: 16:44

You don't have a weapon? Oh,

RILEY: 16:45

yeah, but I'm not jumping out of bushes shouting, I've got you now!

BUNION: 16:48

You have pieces of my book. Uh huh. You stole them from me.

RILEY: 16:55

Yeah.

BUNION: 16:56

I want them back.

RILEY: 16:57

Okay, well, no. This is the guy. I know, right?

BUNION: 17:02

What does that mean? Hi, I'm Eric. Eric McDermott. Big

BECKETT: 17:06

D. Two Ts. Like the normal way.

BUNION: 17:09

Yes! Thank you.

BECKETT: 17:13

I thought you said his name was Professor Bunyan.

BUNION: 17:16

You call me Professor Bunyan?

RILEY: 17:19

Maybe. It's a working title. How did you find us?

BUNION: 17:23

The invoice from the auction listed the contents of the envelope. The menagerie has blank entries with nothing but town names. I put two and two together. Where's your friend?

RILEY: 17:37

Right here.

BUNION: 17:37

The big one?

RILEY: 17:38

None of your

BECKETT: 17:38

business. He's

BUNION: 17:39

here somewhere. No. Yes, he is. No, he's not. Oh, I bet he is. No,

BECKETT: 17:42

he isn't. He's certainly not down by the lake.

BUNION: 17:45

Ha! The lake.

BECKETT: 17:47

Hey, no. We're gonna go this way. You're coming with me now. Here. You can come to the edge. Come here. It's safe. Look down. Is that the lake? Yeah. We've probably got another four or five minutes before he gets there. And this

RILEY: 18:36

Oh, snot.

BECKETT: 18:37

What is that? That's how we scare off the tourists. Push it off, watch it fall, wait for the fireworks. Come on, it'll take both of us to push. Hey, Beckett, thank you for this.

RILEY: 18:53

You didn't have to help. He's your best friend, right? Look, this isn't my place, I don't really know you or your circumstances, and I don't have any right to be saying this to you, but you deserve happiness. And if you can find a way to have it, Beckham would have wanted you to chase it.

BIKINI MONSTER: 19:13

Snot Otter!

RENDER: 19:16

Like that? That's it. It's like a monster swear word. We totally get to use it. What's it mean? I have no idea. Oh. What was that? Is that? That is a Professor Bunyan. And, uh, That's a fridge monster. And a vacuum monster. Bowling ball monster. Oh, lots of bowling ball monsters.

RILEY: 19:46

Render! Up here! Hey! Did you do that? Yeah! You're amazing! Meet me at the van! Okay!

RENDER: 19:59

Stop that! We can't just pour more water on it?

RILEY: 20:05

Ren, we could, but, I mean, eventually

RENDER: 20:10

Yeah.

BIKINI MONSTER: 20:12

Hey, Render.

RENDER: 20:15

Yeah, Bikini Monster?

BIKINI MONSTER: 20:17

Are there others like me?

RENDER: 20:21

Yeah.

BIKINI MONSTER: 20:28

Hey, Render.

RILEY: 20:31

Yeah?

BIKINI MONSTER: 20:32

Do they look like me?

RILEY: 20:36

There are all kinds. Red bikini monsters. Polka dot bikini monsters. So I'm one

BIKINI MONSTER: 20:45

of a kind? Yeah. I love that. Hey, Render?

RENDER: 20:55

Yeah?

BIKINI MONSTER: 20:55

Do you think I have a mother? Oh.

RENDER: 21:05

Huh. That is radically sad.

RILEY: 21:15

That was my good bathing suit.

RENDER: 21:20

So, so Bunyan knows where we're going.

RILEY: 21:22

I think so.

RENDER: 21:23

Maybe we should go somewhere else.

RILEY: 21:26

No. We keep going. We beat him there. We lay a trap.

RENDER: 21:33

Yeah.

RILEY: 21:34

Okay. Alright, Crypto Curious. We're gonna call it for today. We have a lot of plans to make. We'll tell you about them next time on Have Monster, Will Travel.

RENDER: 21:45

And as they say where I'm from, Don't turn around Lester, it's right behind you. Hi,

BIKINI MONSTER: 21:55

this is the Bikini Monster himself. Zach Robinson. Have Monster Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trevelyan as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Dave Powell as the criminally insane Professor Bunyan. That hurts more than you realize. Shelby Becker as Beckett, Trey Tatum as the mostly non verbal Bikini Bottoms, and me. Today's episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. Have Monster Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio.