Have Monster, Will Travel
UNCLE DAN MONSTER
RILEY
[whispering:] Crypto-Curious. I just want you to listen to this.
(roar.)
Can you hear that?
(different roar.)
He has been practicing that all day.
(roar.)
Like right now, he’s in this crouched-low wrestler’s stance, just kinda gyrating with his arms out ready to bear-hug somebody.
(roar.)
It the kind of adorable where you feel this evolutionary-imperative to protect him from harm.
(roar.)
Like you hear that and just know he probably has puppy-dog breath right now.
RENDER
I can hear you!
RILEY
Yeah, but pretend like you can’t. Keep going.
RENDER
Why, so you can record me?
RILEY
That would be a violation of trust and I don’t know what kind of person would do that.
RENDER
… Hi Crypto-Curious.
RILEY
Render says hi. – Okay, but just give me a few more.
RENDER
No.
RILEY
Come on, it’s so stinking cute.
RENDER
It’s not cute, it’s who I am!
(RENDER sulks.)
RILEY
What’s going on?
RENDER
I’m a monster without a roar.
RILEY
You’re working on it.
RENDER
It doesn’t seem like the sort of thing a monster should have to work on.
RILEY
Or maybe your kind doesn’t roar. I mean look how big you are.
RENDER
You’re just trying to cheer me up.
RILEY
I don’t know why you’ve made this such a big deal.
I don’t think a roar is something you can force.
RENDER
What if they don’t like me?
RILEY
Ren…
RENDER
We were supposed to have found them by now. The town was exactly where the Paladin said it would be, the town with the abandoned water tower in the shape of a butt.
RILEY
It’s a peach.
RENDER
No. I’ve eater a peach. Peaches are not that color.
RILEY
We’ve been over this.
RENDER
It looks exactly like a human butt.
RILEY
It’s not a butt.
RENDER
Get out your phone – we can pull up pictures –
RILEY
I promise you. They did not build a water tower in the shape of a human butt.
RENDER
It doesn’t matter anyway. We’ve been here for four days and haven’t seen anything. OKCryptid calls this a hot spot, but we haven’t got anything to go on.
You can’t turn up any leads in town. I don’t know what to look for out here.
RILEY
If your family is nearby, we will find them.
RENDER
I just keep thinking…
They know I’m here. They just don’t care.
RILEY
I don’t buy that. I cared. From the instant I laid eyes on you. So that idea – it doesn’t pass the smell test.
RENDER
But what if the reason you found me is because… because of me. Because of something that makes me unwanted.
RILEY
Then that’s their loss, not yours.
When we find your family – and we are going to find your family – they are going to love you. Not because of some monster roar you figured out but because of the monster you already are. Okay?
(RENDER still isn’t convinced.)
Okay here we go.
RENDER
What?
RILEY
We’re not doing this… Not on my watch. Up.
RENDER
What are we doing?
RILEY
We’re solving this whole roar problem right now.
RENDER
You don’t have to do that.
RILEY
No. We’re doing it. You and me are gonna solve this roar problem right now.
And we’re gonna do a little bit of exercise while we do it.
RENDER
I don’t wanna do that.
RILEY
Stretch. Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but we are not in great shape.
RENDER
[incredulously:] What??
RILEY
Well, if you wore pants, you would know they’re getting a little tight right now.
RENDER
You’re beautiful.
RILEY
We are drop dead gorgeous, my friend. But we also live in a van. And do a little too much sitting. And we eat like trash.
Stretch.
RENDER
Oh – I hate this.
RILEY
Everybody hates it.
(stretching:)
Yeah, get them hammies.
Okay, now face me. So, we’re gonna do some lunges.
(Lunges:)
There you go.
Straight down, straight up. No, don’t let your knee get ahead of your foot.
And now this time, when you go down, let out a big ole roar.
(Lunge. RILEY roars.)
(Lunge. RENDER roars.)
Good. How was that?
RENDER
I don’t think this is how roaring is supposed to work.
RILEY
Ya know what’s gonna make that roar stronger? Workin’ out that core.
RENDER
I don’t think I like what this is doing to you.
RILEY
And roar.
(Roar.)
(Roar.)
How was that?
RENDER
Omigosh you’re so right, I totally feel it.
RILEY
Hey buddy, you better get used to this – cause we are making exercise part of our regular routine.
RENDER
Yeah, I can feel my peach butt getting firmer.
RILEY
We are not calling it that.
RENDER
And we stop now?
RILEY
Roar.
(Roar.)
(Roar.)
You want to do some jumping jacks?
RENDER
I very much do not want to do that
RILEY
Here we go!
RENDER
What if we just ate better?
RILEY
Do you have any idea how much running we do?
And roar.
(Roar.)
(Roar.)
RENDER
We don’t do that much.
RILEY
Most people never have a reason to shout “Run for it!” One of us says it at least once a week. That is not natural.
RENDER
Okay, well then, the running is the exercise.
RILEY
Uhhhh… You turned a Kia Soul into a monster.
RENDER
For the greater good.
RILEY
Yeah, well it still chased us for a while before it got the message.
One of these days, we’re not gonna be able to outrun whatever nonsense wants to eat us, ya know?
RENDER
I guess…
RILEY
Roar.
(a big roar.)
(a very big roar.)
(In the distance, a humongous roar. RILEY and RENDER stop in their tracks.)
RENDER
Riley…
RILEY
Don’t say it.
RENDER
Do you think?
RILEY
I know we have to but don’t.
RENDER
It’s them – come on – RUN FOR IT!
(RENDER runs off.)
RILEY
… I’ve got to buy more sports bras.
(THEME SONG.)
(Deeper in the already deep woods. ERIC MCDERMOTT is trying unsuccessfully to set up a bear trap. RENDER runs on.)
RENDER
Whoa!
ERIC
Oh!
RENDER
What are you doing here?
ERIC
You got here a lot faster than I thought you would.
RENDER
Wait. Was that you roaring?
ERIC
That was you and the girl on the other end, right?
RENDER
Yeah.
ERIC
I thought it probably was, but I wasn’t sure. Yeah, you got here really fast.
RENDER
Well, a lot of it was downhill.
ERIC
Still. I thought I would have time to set this up first.
RENDER
What is that?
ERIC
Oh – you look like you’re strong. Can you? …
I can’t get this to open. I don’t think it’s stuck, just… I mean it’s very tough.
RENDER
Oh. Alright.
ERIC
Yeah, you just grab the two sides there and like –
(ERIC demonstrates with his hands)
You know, kinda pull it apart.
RENDER
Well yeah, I’ll try.
ERIC
You gotta put it on the ground first.
(RENDER does. The bear trap slowly opens.)
Careful. Careful.
RENDER
Is that it?
ERIC
No, it’s supposed to click once it’s done.
I think a little farther.
(The bear trap clicks into place.)
Awesome thanks.
RENDER
Wait… so, the roaring. That was you?
ERIC
Yeah.
(ERIC demonstrates.)
RENDER
Oh…
Oh, okay.
ERIC
Who did you think it was?
(RILEY runs on, out of breath.)
RILEY
Render – get away from that!
(RENDER steps back.)
What are you doing?
ERIC / RENDER
Me?
RILEY
Both of you. What are you doing with a bear trap?
RENDER
Is that a bear trap?
RILEY
Obviously.
RENDER
Don’t say it like that. Okay, yes – it looks like a bear trap- but I’ve never seen one up close before – and like what would anyone even need with a –
Was this for me?
RILEY
Yyyyeah.
ERIC
You know what, this is a little embarrassing but yes, it was.
RENDER
My leg?
RILEY
You oughta be ashamed.
ERIC
I oughta be ashamed?
RILEY
Yeah. You.
RENDER
My leg!
RILEY
What is wrong with you?
ERIC
You totaled my car.
RILEY
That is not a proportional response.
RENDER
My leg! Gah!
ERIC
Uhh – yes it is. Do you know what my car insurance company told me?
I voided my policy when I drove that deep into the marshlands.
Not to mention I never found that phone.
RILEY
And so what – you go out, buy a bear trap – A Bear Trap! – and then set it up in the middle of –
Was that him roaring?
RENDER
That was him roaring.
RILEY
You’re despicable.
ERIC
Well I don’t like you either.
RILEY
Then stop following us!
RENDER
Wait – how did you find us?
ERIC
It wasn’t that hard. Your OKCryptid handle is 1996GMCSafariSquad – as soon as you started digging around, asking for updates, I knew where to find you. Safari Squad… amateur.
RILEY
Oh and I’m sure you’re just soooo clever.
ERIC
Uh – yeah. Bigfoott with a –
RILEY
Big B and two Ts, yeah, color me impressed.
ERIC
It’s clever – everyone who knows me says it’s clever.
RENDER
It’s consistent. I don’t know if it’s clever – but it is consistent.
RILEY
Well, it’s your fault that your car is gone – not ours.
ERIC
You broke into it and turned it into a monster.
RILEY
With water you stole from the unmentionables.
I offered to buy the menagerie from you – I offered to pay for a copy of it – if you hadn’t been so greedy, you wouldn’t be stuck with us now.
ERIC
This has nothing to do with the menagerie. The two of you are trying to get rid of me because you see me as a threat.
RILEY
You’re crazy.
ERIC
You broke into my car. The menagerie was in the front seat –
RENDER
Oh. We were wondering about that.
ERIC
If it’s so important to you, why didn’t you just take it.
(During this, RENDER gets distracted, starts looking around.)
RILEY
We were trying to save the lives of a bunch of paladinglings – we weren’t thinking about ourselves.
(RENDER sees something off in the distance.)
ERIC
Well aren’t you selfless…
RENDER
Hey Riley.
RILEY
Just a second, buddy.
We’re not like you. We’re not hunters. Or collectors. Or fame mongers. And I’ll tell you something else. This little stunt of yours cost my friend something today.
Today’s an important day to him. So for you to go tramping thru the woods, roaring and setting up traps –
ERIC
Hey – where’d he go?
(RENDER is gone.)
RILEY
Are you serious?
(RILEY turns and looks off into the woods.)
ERIC
Oh, there he is. God he is really running.
RILEY
This is going to be a terrible day.
(RILEY starts running off. ERIC follow. RILEY marches ERIC back on.)
[re: bear trap] You are not leaving that there.
ERIC
That’s fair.
(The base of a suspiciously-shaped water tower.)
(RENDER runs on.)
UNCLE DAN
Would you look at that?
(THEY see each other. Stunned silence for a moment.)
RENDER
Oh. Hi.
UNCLE DAN
Are y’all back?
RENDER
Back?
UNCLE DAN
I just didn’t figure I’d ever see any of the old –
(RENDER rushes him and gives UNCLE DAN a giant hug.)
Oh – alright – not really the touchy kind. So if you could just –
RENDER
Do you know me?
UNCLE DAN
I do now.
RENDER
No, I mean… sorry. I just. I’ve never seen anyone else that looks like me.
UNCLE DAN
They left you too, huh?
RENDER
What?
UNCLE DAN
Yeah – what a bunch of jerks. I wake up one morning – poof – ghost town, no one here but ole Dan, holding down the fort.
RENDER
They left you…
UNCLE DAN
Yeah, what a bunch of jerks.
RENDER
Why?
UNCLE DAN
That’s the thing I can’t figure out. Jealous, I guess. Too many alphas running around, ya know – bunch a jerks with no respect, ya know.
Better off without em, that’s my line – plus, got this sweet little honey pad out of the deal.
RENDER
You live in that water tower?
UNCLE DAN
Pretty great, huh –
RENDER
Can I ask you –
UNCLE DAN
It’s a butt.
RENDER
Oh.
UNCLE DAN
Lot of people think it’s a peach. Fruit don’t got pimples.
What’s your name?
RENDER
Oh, uh… I’m Render.
UNCLE DAN
Render, huh? Kinda a dumb name. Whatever.
To each its own, ya know?
RENDER
I’m sorry if this sounds weird, but… are you my –
UNCLE DAN
You ain’t my kid! Uh-uh, I ain’t raising you.
RENDER
No, I don’t mean that. I just mean. I’m looking for my family.
I’m trying to find out where I come from.
UNCLE DAN
Yeah, well families are hard. I mean just look what happened to me.
Well you can call me Dan – I ain’t ‘bout to start looking after you. I got kind of a bachelor thing going and it’s pretty great.
RENDER
Can I call you Uncle Dan?
UNCLE DAN
Yeah. But don’t expect nothing.
RENDER
So… your whole family?
UNCLE DAN
Done me wrong, that’s what.
RENDER
I’m sorry.
UNCLE DAN
I’m not! Good riddance, ya know? Bringing me down!
RENDER
Did any of them look like… I mean, do I remind you of anyone.
UNCLE DAN
I don’t know. Maybe. Yeah. You could be Connie’s kid.
Can I give you some advice?
RENDER
Sure Uncle Dan.
UNCLE DAN
Yeah, I don’t know if I like that.
You gotta let this go – family. They left you. Why would you want to get back to that?
RENDER
I don’t know. I guess I just wanna know where I come from.
UNCLE DAN
Yeah, well, you might not like what you find.
RENDER
I can’t believe they just… left you.
UNCLE DAN
Better off without ‘em.
I’d gone to bed tore up, ya know. Buncha campers come thru and I used ta like to scare em. You know – run ‘em off, go thru their stuff.
You can get the best kinds of things that way.
Young couple – little kids – that’s the ideal way to do it. Middle of the night, I sneak up on their campsite, right. Make sure I get right between the campfire and the tent so my shadow’s right there. And then I RIP OPEN THE TENT and flash my teeth and scream.
[laughing:] these little kids – I mean they went bug-eyed – it was great.
And that’s the way you do it – get them kiddies and their parents aren’t gonna wait around long enough to get their wits about ‘em – they’re gone.
RENDER
You scared a bunch of kids?
UNCLE DAN
Yea-yeah. We’re monsters. That’s part and parcel.
RENDER
But they weren’t there to hurt you.
UNCLE DAN
You don’t know. You don’t know what they’ll do to us if we give ‘em the chance.
Oh sure, the others moan and groan about it.
“Come on, Dan, you’re attracting too much attention – you gotta leave them be.”
But can’t nobody tell me what to do. Ya know.
Well they ran. And I grabbed up all their stuff, ya know. All kinds of food and drinks.
Gave me the worst gut rot. I mean I thought I was gonna die – went to bed, slept it off, woke up and they was gone.
RENDER
And you’ve been out here by yourself ever since?
UNCLE DAN
Don’t worry about me, I’ll get them back.
They’ll wish they never treated me that way.
RENDER
So you don’t know where they all went?
UNCLE DAN
Don’t care neither.
RENDER
And you don’t know if they –
(RILEY and ERIC rush on.)
RILEY
Render!
RENDER
Riley!
ERIC
My god they multiplied!
RILEY
They did not.
ERIC
Alright. Well… you never know. Sometimes they do.
Hi. I’m Eric. Eric McDermott. Big D, two Ts.
(no recognition:)
Oh. Uh. You probably know me as Professor Bunion.
UNCLE DAN
That’s a stupid name.
ERIC
It’s my understanding that it’s a working title.
UNCLE DAN
You know them?
RENDER
That’s my best friend, Riley.
UNCLE DAN
Are you kidding me! We don’t have best friends. And we don’t hang around with humans.
RENDER
No – she’s nice. You’d like her.
UNCLE DAN
What kind of monster are you?
You ain’t my kin. You’re a traitor.
RENDER
No. You’re wrong. Riley’s done more for me than…
She’s my family.
UNCLE DAN
Oh. They’re so good. He’s holding a bear trap.
(He is.)
ERIC
This was in the woods and I was like, “This shouldn’t be here.”
You know, I think I’ll set this down.
(He does.)
Oh shoot – I think my rental car is due back soon – so if you’ll all excuse…
(ERIC runs off.)
(UNCLE DAN MONSTER advances on RILEY and RENDER, growling and snarling.)
RILEY
Hey Render – you know that roar you’ve been trying to figure out. I think I know what it sounds like now.
RENDER
Oh no – my roar sounds much different than that. You wanna hear it?
RILEY
I think I know what it is.
BOTH
RUN FOR IT!
(The 1996 GMC Safari. Night. Silent. Eventually.)
RILEY
Hey. You okay?
I know you’re upset.
RENDER
I don’t know that I am.
More of me exist. I know that now.
And the ones that left – they left because they don’t want to be like that.
I like that.
RILEY
Hey Render?
You’re my family too.
(a moment, then:)
RENDER
Uncle Dan was a butt.
RILEY
A butt who lived in a butt.
RENDER
I told you!
RILEY
I know. Peaches don’t have tan lines.
RENDER
I’m afraid to walk around to the other side… Hey. You got that checklist?
RILEY
Clues to our next stop?
RENDER
We’ve still got our two Menagerie clippings. Check.
RILEY
Best friend?
RENDER
Check.
RILEY
Adventure of a lifetime?
RENDER
Double check.
Well Crypto-Curious, not the ending we were hoping for – but that’s alright. You know what they say, you can’t pick your families unless you absolutely do.
RILEY
The next adventure is just a full tank of gas away on Have Monster, Will Travel.
RENDER
And like they say where I’m from: “The last fellow that went in that cave never came back!”
(end of episode)
-----
RORY
Hey it’s your Uncle Dan Monster Rory Sheridan here. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Dave Powell as the morbidly grotesque Professor Bunion –
DAVE
Okay. I know we’re doing a bit – but I hate this.
RORY
and me, Rory Sheridan. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio.
JORDAN
Hey, this is Jordan Trovillion. Thank you so much for listening. If you’re enjoying Have Monster, Will Travel, it would mean the world to us if you would take a moment to rate or review the show wherever you found it. Or better yet, tell a friend – it’s your generosity that is helping to grow our audience.
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